Sundays are great. I find that I am most inspired to blog on the quiet Sunday evenings I have to myself. Tonight I feel that there is a lot I’d like to say, but every time I type something out it sounds contrite or oddly negative. I try to keep things I release to you, worldette, fairly positive [who wants to read sad ramblings? Not me.] – though at times I feel terrifically fragile and human. I have gotten far enough in my own self-knowledge to realize that I am not bad, but sometimes my frailties show their ugly heads and push positivity aside.
This week I was involved in an amazing event. A friend from middle school (who I recently re-connected with after living on the other side of the country for over a decade) is on his first solo tour with another musician, and he could not find a venue to book in Seattle. So, being a big fan of his and a loyal friend I sent an e-mail to a friend who lives in a great house for sharing music. This friend agreed to host, and also invited some of his friends who are in process of starting up a new waffle company to share their product. So Tuesday became an awesome evening of waffles, music, and joy. After my friend finished his set, the evening turned into one big jam session that ended with dancing to electronic music and a splendid rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner to end it all right. The event itself was a great success, bringing in around 40 people (on a work night!) to share in the good times. The two musicians stayed the night in my apartment and went on their way the following afternoon.
After such a great 24 hours, I thought I would be energized and ready to conquer the remainder of the week and weekend. There were many personal victories: even with more hunger than I’d like, I kept to my eating schedule. I was in a room full of waffles and didn’t eat one – I was actually satisfied in just smelling them. Even at the end of the week, I marked that I had lost another two pounds. I should have been on cloud nine – but I wasn’t.
Friday night, I found myself feeling lonelier than I have in a long time. Being one who loves living on my own, it troubles me when I get to feeling like this. Solitude is something I enjoy, but loneliness is a fierce beast that comes out of nowhere and bites me on the ass. It is in the lonely moments when the irrational eater comes out of me. Within mere moments of being home, I found myself lurking in the kitchen – pondering what I could eat out of what my cupboards contained, and taking it further to thoughts of what high calorie items I could purchase down the street. I wanted to feed the beast, thinking that food would quiet the insecurities I had over being alone with nothing to do on a Friday night. Food was going to be my friend that night – it was going to remove the cloud of negativity that was hanging over my head.
Fear not, friends – I did not overeat or binge. I didn’t even consume a ridiculous amount of calories or walk down the street to procure the forbidden liquid calories. Practicality is also a strong muscle, and at the end of the day it merely made more sense to cook something on the stove and start reading my new book – The Beck Diet Solution. Minutes later, I was comforted by explanations within the book; telling me that I am not alone in my thinking and that with the tools it contains I would learn how to change the thoughts I have about food. The book did not take away the loneliness, but a late-night call from a friend and a DVD managed to calm me and add a little happiness to the evening.
I find myself a little more sensitive as time passes with the band. I have huge underlying fears that I am going to fail in some way; but every time I check the scale, it is down another pound or two. I have taken to calling the scale a cruel liar at times, but the numbers aren’t lying. I am getting smaller. I hate how long it is taking, but I know this is the way to go if I want to sustain it for life. A year from now, I want to be able to shop for clothing in a local boutique without being paranoid that I would bust every seam in the place. I am tired of feeling like an elephant, and am looking forward to being an “after” photo. There are certain situations that make me uncomfortable with my new eating style, but I am happy in learning how to arm myself when circumstances around me are out of my control.
Thank you for supporting me, worldette. I do get your notes and really appreciate the love that is out there. I may not respond in any sort of timely manner, but know I am thankful to have you out there routing for me.
Post Script:
If you were wondering, the friend on tour is Freddy Hall: http://www.freddyhall.com/
He’s traveling with yellowbirddd: http://yellowbirddd.bandcamp.com/
And the waffle company coming to Seattle is: http://www.facebook.com/LightsOutWaffles
Check ‘em out!
No comments:
Post a Comment